It was probably one of the worst kept secrets by Apple, the new iPhone 4, after one of their Software Engineers got slightly drunk and left it in a Californian bar – but yesterday saw Apple officially announce the new phone with CEO Steve Jobs joking “some of you may have already seen this before”.

The new piece of kit has two 5mpx cameras, one in the front and one in the back – the back one has an LED flash. It is also capable of recording HD 720p video. It will be squared off, shiny and skinny. At 93mm it’s roughly a quarter thinner than all other smart-phones, and that includes the current iPhones. The screen is also thirty times stronger than plastic, and apparently you can bend it. Don’t try that at home though.

There are, apparently, hundreds of new features to also be announced so stay tuned for more updates.

Anyway onto the most important part – when is it released here in the UK?
Well, you won’t have to wait long, in fact only a couple of weeks – June 24th – yep, that’s right its being released around the world all on the same day.

In Paris, there was a young woman strolling along a narrow street, when she spotted the famous artist Pablo Picasso sketching near a local cafe.

Being slightly presumptuous, the woman finally plucked up the courage and asked the great man if he wouldn’t mind sketching her, and charge accordingly. Picasso obliged. In just minutes, there she was, as an ‘original Picasso’.

“WOW, thank you. What do I owe you?” she asked. “Five thousand francs,” he answered.

“But it only took you three minutes,” she politely reminded him.

“No,” Picasso said, with a smile on his face, “It took me all my life.”

Hopefully that will answer the question ‘why does it cost so much?’ when a designer does a beautiful piece of work for you. Remember its not just the time you’re paying for, its the experience and knowledge too.

So I decide to take the missus out for a slap up meal – well ok, it was down to the local curry house. We get a nice seat at the back, out the way and order and our meals and a couple of beers (which were obviously watered down – my tap water at home was stronger than this kronenbourg was supposed to be).

After sitting and waiting for near on 1 hour 15 minutes our main meals arrive – the missus takes one mouthful of her lamb boona and spits it straight back out again “that tastes like its got half a pot of salt in it”. So we leave it and complain!

“’cuse us mate – we can’t eat this one, its too salty”
“Spicy?”
“No salty!”
“Too spicy?”
“No it’s too salty – tastes like someone has poured a pot of salt in it”
“It’s too spicy?”
“NO SALTY”
“Hold on” [gets another waiter] – “meal too spicy they don’t like it”
“No it’s salty, not spicy”
“Too salty?”
“Yes, finally, too salty”

By this point the missus is cracking up and the whole restaurant had gone quiet and turned round to see the show. Anyway, we didn’t pay for the dish nor did we give a tip – bah humbug.

[/rant over]

So there i was, down the local wanting a quick pint before returning home to watch the 10pm BBC3 repeat of Eastenders. Stood waiting to get served and some knob-jockey was waving a 20 note around trying to catch the attention of the bar staff – he looked like the kind of twat who will wear a football kit to watch his team play on a Saturday (note: nobody over the age of 12 should ever wear a full football kit, to watch a game). Anyway, the barman then says “right who’s next” – just as I was about to give my order, this bloke pipes up and says:

“Right I’ll have half a pint of Foster and errrm…hold on”
“Dave?…Dave?…Steve get Dave will ya mate!”
“Dave what do you want to drink?…”
[Fosters please]

“…and a pint of Fosters…and…errrm Steve wanted a…hold on”
“Steve, what did you want again?”
[Stella please]

“…a Stella, a pint of Stella. And can i get…errrm…hold on”
“Dave?…Dave?…Steve get Dave again…”
“Dave, what will Karen be drinking when she gets here?…”
[She'll have a Stella]

“…ok, another pint of Stella.”
“Right so what have I ordered so far?”
[Half a fosters, a pint of Fosters and 2 pints of Stella]

“…ok, I think Daves wants one too…hold on”
“Dave?…Dave?….Steve get Dave again…”
“Dave, what do you want to drink mate?…”
[I’ve just told you, Fosters]

“…oh yeah…another pint of Fosters please”
[so that’s a half fosters, 2 pints of Fosters and 2 pints of Stella?]
“no hang on have I’ve ordered Dave’s already – so make that only 1 pint of Fosters.”
“Right i think that’s sorted, oh I nearly forgot the wife, well she’s not really my wife but I call her that anyway, ha ha ha, she will have a cup of tea please.”

It took him near on 5 minutes just to get the fucking order in – all i wanted was a pint of Kronie. Also, who the fuck orders a cup of tea in a pub!!?

[/rant over]

Now you go to the travel agent, flick through hundreds of pages of places to stay, sit down with the agent and talk through different options and finally you book that holiday of a lifetime to………………Spain!

For months you’re thinking ‘white beaches’ ‘all over tan’ ‘cocktails by the pool’ but as soon as you arrive you’re hit with the reality that you’ve simply paid a fortune to visit your home town in the sun. There is a Red Lion Pub, restaurants serving full English breakfasts, you buy a copy of the Sun newspaper to read what’s going on back home and you even bump into Sheila the local know-it-all who you were looking forward to escaping from for 2 weeks. Anyway, waaaaaay before you get to your destination there is the packing of the suitcase:

Male packing: 1 hour 20 minutes before you’re due to leave for the airport
Female packing: 3 weeks before you’re due to leave for the airport

WOMEN: all you need on a beach holiday is 2 pairs of underwear (1 to wear and the other to wash), a pair of speedos, a pair of shorts, a towel and a white vest…..after all, its what the average Brit lives in whilst away

Once the cases are packed and you’ve remembered to leave a note out for the milkman, cancelled the newspaper and left a spare key with next door so they can come in and open/close your curtains each day, you set off…….only to get about half hour from your house and think “now, have we got everything?”, it’s like an invisible boundary and it’s not until you’ve past it that you finally remember, you’ve forgotten the kids!

You arrive at the airport, check in and go through to the holding area! Shops everywhere and people start going mad buying things they don’t need and saying things like “oooo look, they’ve got a Burger King here” – it’s like people forget you’re actually still in England! Anyway, you’re all looking at the departure board waiting to see your boarding gate number, everyone else around you doing the same but pretending not to be, and then all of a sudden the screen flicks to reveal “Gate 87” – why is it always the gate that is 5 and half miles away?! – you then rush back to the family, out of breath shouting “come on, quick, gate 87” and you start legging it down there along with 200 other people, like it’s an Olympic race, thinking your plane will take off without you! You get there and realise you’ve then got to wait at the boarding gate for another hour!

Once on the plane you’re sat waiting again, you then hear a voice over the radio “sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but we are just waiting for 1 family to board – we will give them another 5 minutes before taking off without them” – 4 minutes 59 seconds later the tracksuit family arrive, Mum, Dad & chavs all dressed head to toe in 1980’s style tracksuits (Mum’s normally pink and Dad’s black and green). You sarcastically clap them on and they lap up the applause as they spend another 10 minutes trying to shove all their duty free into the overhead locker!

Now at this point I would talk about the flight but to be honest i hate flying so pop a sleeping pill and sleep the whole duration!

I do wake up just before we’re about to land though, that’s scary shit! You’re all sat there grabbing the armrests tighter and tighter as we’re about to touch down………until thump….bump bump bump bump shake shake bump bump………you’re down. Once landed everyone starts cheering and clapping (some giving the odd “whoooop”) like the pilot has done something heroic. You wouldn’t do that to your plumber who has just fixed your washing machine, so why a person whose job it is to fly a plane? – strange!

You all shuffle off the plane and it’s onto the baggage reclaim. You stand there looking at an empty, stationary conveyable for ages then all of a sudden it starts to move – you excitingly wait to spot your bag but all that happens is a childs buggy is put on and keeps going round and round and round but no suitcases. After a further 10 minute wait the cases come through, and i can guarantee your case is always last to appear – everyone has got theirs and gone to get on the bus and you’re stood waiting, watching the buggy go round and round before finally it arrives. It’s like Pedro and Dave were holding onto it, peeping through having a laugh at us just stood there waiting!

So you get onto the bus and it’s off to your destination – you arrive at the first stop and it’s a right shit hole, the building is half finished and you sit in anticipation hoping your name doesn’t get read out. A huge sigh of relief when it’s not your accommodation. You go through this 5 or 6 more times until finally, the last stop, it’s your resort and who is staying there with you……….yep, the tracksuit family – just fucking great!

First up is to offload the cases into your room and find the bar, but no you’re dragged off to the supermarket by the wife cos “we need tea-bags and stuff”. You get into the supermarket and why is it you get all excited when you see something you recognise “luv, luv, look they have Cadburys Dairy Milk chocolate” and despite it costing twice as much you buy it anyway just to see if it tastes the same as back home.

Then there is dinner in the evening. You travel to this country famous for paella, gazpacho etc and you end up eating McDonalds or getting fish and chips from Trevors Chippy – why, why do we do it?

So after an exhausting 2 weeks in the sun, burnt to bits and fed up with the fat Brits abroad, it’s finally time to come home and you can’t wait, you vow to “stay in England next year” but you never do and end up back in Spain BUT, as said, this year i have decided to stay in this country and will be taking the family camping for a week – no doubt i’ll have something to moan there too!

[/rant over]

If you are one of these drivers who insists on driving at 30mph when the road is a single carriageway but a national speed limit area (i.e 60mph) then don’t be surprised or shocked when I overtake you.

I am all for keeping to the speed limits but YOU are a menace to the roads that i love, when you drive way UNDER the limit. Also, why do you always find its……without being ageist……old people!

[/rant over]

So there I was sat at home, just cooked myself a beautiful steak & kidney pie; (with mash potato and baked beans), Eastenders on the tele – Phil just about to batter Archie for doing the dirty on his family, when i hear a knock at the door. I answer and stood there was a cold caller, a middle-aged lady – you know the type that wears too much perfume, bright red blusher and a grey and brown checked suit, they all look the same – anyway, she shoves some kind of ID in my face, which i couldn’t see as it was pitch black outside, and starts talking about some letter I received last week.

Here’s how the conversation went:

(cc = cold caller | me = that’ll be me)

cc: So you got our letter last week!
me: No I didn’t
cc: Yes you did!
me: Oh ok, sorry, yes I did then.
cc: We’ve chosen 30 houses in your area and you are one of the lucky ones…
me: Or unlucky, ha ha ha!
cc: [confused look]….so do you have some time to answer a few questions?
me: No not really, Eastenders is on and me dinner is getting cold
cc: It’s about policing in your neighbourhood though!?
me: That doesn’t stop me dinner going cold, luv!
cc: Ok great, it’ll only take 10-15 minutes – shall I come in?
me: Err no, I am EATING dinner & Phil’s just about to kick the shit out of Archie
cc: So you don’t want to do this now?
me: No! I don’t want to do “this” now.
cc: But your house was chosen for this area
me: Ask next door instead then, they look out at the same patch of land
cc: [laughs] Ok, I’m around on Saturday I can come back then and we’ll do it!
me: No, I’m busy Saturday
cc: Doing what?
me: None of your business
cc: Well I’m sure you can spare 15 minutes to answer this questionnaire?
me: Err no, I don’t want to answer it
cc: Ok, so I’ll pop back on Saturday at around midday
me: NO – I don’t want to answer any fucking questionnaire, take the hint!
[shuts door]

Thing is, she didn’t take the hint and came back on Saturday at 12 on the dot – this time I just hid behind the sofa until she left, although she was there knocking for a good 10 minutes – im now scared to answer the door incase its this mad lady.

LEAVE ME ALONE YOU MAD WOMAN!!!

[/rant over]

I know, i know – I’ve been slack with the blog updates. The main reason being I am updating my personal portfolio (website)

So please bear with me – I’ll be back writing again soon!

So day 2 into our camping holiday and we took a walk down to the ‘club house’. After paying £3.45 PER PINT me and the missus took a seat at the back and within seconds we had a quiz sheet shoved infront of us, so we entered!

It was 15 question of “name that tune” and believe it or not we got 14 out of 15 correct, which was a clear winner (2nd getting 12) – with a loud drunken cheer I went and collected our prize…….a box of Cadburys Roses, get in!

In case you’re interested our answers were:

1. Patience - Take That
2. Boogy Wonderland – Earth Wind and Fire
3. Young Hearts Run Free – Candi Staton
4. ??? – Bon Jovi (this was the one we got wrong)
5. Rock DJ – Robbie Williams
6. Need a Little Time – The Beautiful South
7. Gimme Hope Joanna – Eddy Grant
8. Groovy Kind of Love – Phil Collins
9. Black or White – Michael Jackson
10. Boom Shake the Room – DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
11. King of the Road – Roger Miller
12. Dick-A-Dum-Dum – Des O`Connor
13. Why Do Fools Fall in Love – Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers
14. This Old House – Shakin Stevens
15. The Funky Gibbon – The Goodies

So the new 3.0 firmware is finally out for the iPhone and I’m like an excited little kid at Christmas – its a sad day when the most important thing you wake up to is the ability to copy & paste and send picture messages from a phone! Anyway I finally installed the update at around 11pm last night and then proceeded to send about 20 picture messages to random people, just because i could. I’m loving my iPhone.

If the above has just bored the hell out of you…here’s a picture of two midgets playing basketball:

I know what you’re thinking, I wonder if they lower the height of the hoop? Hmmmm!